While enjoying a joyous Christmas yule with my family and loved ones I was gifted a copy of famous anchorman Ron Burgundy’s tome of generous wisdom by my wife and lover. I should express that my copy of Ron’s manual of manhood, Let Me Off at the Top!, is bound in rich Corinthian leather and inked with a generous dollop of real howler monkey blood, as you know the rarest ink imaginable.
While the small children toddled about with their wooden steamships and the older children played Stick the Hobo I nestled myself by the roaring fire and took in a tale of great insight and industrial fortitude. I’ve long admired Mr. Burgundy’s love of the finer things in life, like breasts and great wooden sailing vessels, but never would I have dreamed in a million lifetimes of my life that I would hold in my hands his great intelligence and wit to be had at a moment’s notice whenever the notion took me.
As the great evening went on and those around me invested their time in a rousing game of Who’s Got the Shilling?, I lost myself in a world where a simple wondrous-haired boy from Haggleworth, Iowa could become the greatest news anchorman the city of San Diego had ever seen. Page after page I learned of how the legendary Channel 4 news team was built from the ground up, Ron’s salient tips on proper horse breaking (very useful in my line of work), tips of wooing and lovemaking of the opposite female sex, and sage wisdom from a man who has truly seen (and done!) it all!
Some lesser minded folk may think the book goes on a bit long in some parts, but when each chapter is only about 7 pages I found that it holds my interest well and so should other right thinking men. Look, I’ll be honest. I don’t like to read. I find it takes valuable time away from wood burning and championship yachting. But every now and again a great tome arrives in my life that begs, nay, shrieks to be witnessed. That tome is Let Me Off at the Top!
Author’s Note: By the way, the wife and lover I referenced in the first sentence, you may know her as America’s sweetheart Tonya Harding. I don’t like to brag but I felt I should mention it so you had the full picture of the scene I have set for you.