The Hall Monitor (11/05/25)
This week, we bring you a sci-fi three-pack, because we drank the other three on the way over.
Fantastic Four: First Steps (2025)
Marvel’s first family finally had a good day, but was it a good movie?
Starring: Pedro Pascal, Vanessa Kirby, Ebon Moss-Bachrach, Joseph Quinn
Director: Matt Shakman
Where to Watch: In theaters, Amazon Prime, Apple TV, Fandango, maybe…The Smithsonian Channel?
Synopsis:
Marvel returns to the characters that first put them on the map for a stylish period piece that plants Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben—the Fantastic Four—in their 1960s heyday. The aesthetic hums with Kennedy-era optimism and shiny futurism, while the script reminds us that smart people are still terrible at dealing with relationships and cosmic rays.
Highlights:
The chemistry between Reed Richards (Pascal) and Sue Storm (Kirby) gives the film its heart. They feel genuinely tethered—a marriage of intellect and affection — that grounds the ever-escalating spectacle. The production design lifts you up, and its earnestness helps it go down easily even when the narrative wanders into the weeds.
Lowlights:
The shiny 60s backdrop is a sterile aesthetic distraction. There is a cut subplot that might have added some of the internal tension this world needed to help me care more deeply. As it is, Fantastic Four: First Steps is a perfunctory series of story beats that ends with the obligatory sequel tease.
Verdict:
This is the best Fantastic Four movie by far — which feels like faint praise. This version of Ben Grimm (Ebon Moss-Bacharach) doesn’t seem to mind being a rock monster, and his biggest concern in life seems to be NOT having a catchphrase. Meanwhile, the traditionally irascible Johnny Storm (Joseph Quinn) has been nerfed into a Boy Scout.
Ok, nothing interesting there. And the mighty Galactus can claim the most lopsided physical size-to-actual-story-importance ratio in movie history.
First Steps is warm, clever, and clearly made with affection, but nonetheless gets stuck in the middle lane: a story about Marvel’s greatest explorers that never fully goes anywhere.
Hall Pass: GRANTED (NOSTALGIA BUFF APPLIED)
Thunderbolts (2025)
Imagine finishing a great-looking steak and still feeling like you could use a great-looking steak.
And no, I’m not using the stupid asterisk.
Starring: Florence Pugh, Sebastian Stan, Wyatt Russell, David Harbour, Lewis Pullman
Director: Jake Schreier
Where to Watch: Disney+, Amazon Prime, Fandango, Apple TV
Synopsis:
A team of heroic misfits is drafted into a covert mission to save a world that doesn’t particularly like them very much. Part The Suicide Squad and part The Breakfast Club, Thunderbolts successfully wrings pathos from its antiheroes but feels less like a story than just a small part of one.
Highlights:
It’s The Breakfast Squad. Florence Pugh remains the only person in the MCU allowed to express genuine emotion. David Harbor is a scene-stealer, mainly because of his chemistry with Pugh, but also for his earnestness as an actor (it’s sure not the accent). Wyatt Russell and Lewis Pullman do their dads proud with deeply charismatic performances.
Hollywood, you cowards, give us that “young” Spaceballs / Big Trouble crossover America deserves!
Lowlights:
Tonally drags, is structurally mushy, and the confusing narrative is dependent on a particularly uninteresting threat. Despite the appealing cast, novel story approach, and solid performances, the “team” dynamic never lands convincingly.
It’s like watching five half-finished screenplays share a therapist.
Verdict:
Can any of these movies deliver us something that feels like an ending? There’s an interesting story buried under this pile of ideas. This could have been a clever nod to/pivot from the MCU’s current creative exhaustion. Instead, it’s the opposite—a generally fun and serviceable component in Marvel’s never-ending money machine. More surface spectacle than sense.
Hall Pass: DENIED (WITH FURTIVE AFFECTION)
M3GAN 2.0 (2025)
She’s back, and upgraded with a heaping helping of excess.
Starring: Allison Williams, Violet McGraw, Ivanna Sakhno
Director: Gerard Johnstone
Where to Watch: Peacock, Amazon Prime, Apple TV, Fandango, Your Eternal Stay in Purgatory
Synopsis:
Everyone’s favorite homicidal/psychotic murder machine returns, this time chasing continued relevance as diligently as fresh victims. The sequel is full of BIG swings, going for overt flash, spectacle, and snark. Where the original made an effort, yet displayed self-awareness of what it was, the sequel never stops winking directly into the camera.
The best way to describe the story would be “Godzilla vs Kong, but with disarmingly cute androids instead of kaiju”.
Highlights:
Johnstone’s eye for glossy, meme-ready horror is still sharp. Williams does solid work anchoring the chaos. There are a few inspired moments that remind you why M3GAN was such a gleeful surprise. The sequel is also aware of what it is, which leads to some genuinely fun and enjoyable moments.
Lowlights:
Everything else.
Sadly, what M3gan 2.0 turns out to be—overall—is a devastating misfire that fails to capture what most audiences wanted from a sequel. Imagine if James Bond went straight from Dr. No to Moonraker, or The Fast & Furious went directly from 1 to 5.
Or the Blues Brothers went from The Blues Brothers to…
Verdict:
M3gan 2.0 mistakes camp for commentary and, in doing so, becomes inadvertent self-parody. What was once a sleek, savage satire of tech culture now feels like a boardroom brainstorm re-created by a rogue AI.
NOPE.
Hall Pass: DENIED (UTTERLY)
Three teams, three missions, three reminders that corporate synergy isn’t chemistry. Whether it’s superheroes, scientists, or sociopathic software, the lesson stands: great ensembles need more than branding; they need a place to land.
Someone tell Vin Diesel these guys are a “family”.
What if The Suicide Squad succeeded on the first try?
Avoid at all costs, unless you enjoy the sweetness of suffering. You have been warned.
Call me, Pinhead.
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Bruce Hall View All
“When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Bruce Hall always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Bruce?" "Yes sir, the check is in the mail."
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